Today is our fifth wedding anniversary, and although my wife and I have been together for many years more than five, it is definitely a cause for celebration.

It’s a rare thing to meet someone who becomes your lover, your best friend, your coach and your witness. Heidi is all of those things, and I am a lucky man.

So, Happy Anniversary, Heidi. It’s our fifth, which traditionally calls for a gift made of wood. Since Wood is our boy’s middle name, perhaps it’s fair to say you already gave me the best present I could hope for: a family like the one I have.

I saw a link to a Davis Enterprise story about Trader Joe’s on Matt Rexroad’s site yesterday.

(BTW, when I first saw Matt’s name in print, I mis-spoke it as Max Rexrod to a friend later, and I haven’t been able to shake that pronounciation yet. In fact, I think it is definitely a more manly and porntastic name that his real one.)

The story consisted of an announcement that Trader Joe’s grocery store is looking to move into the University Mall in Davis. After being initially thwarted by Davis voters (who idiotically destroyed the Covell Village project), Trader Joe’s elected to move their plans to an established mall. My guess is that the University Mall is the only mini-mall in Davis with no grocery store, thus making it a better situation for them to consider.

But LO! Of all the bad decisions that I’ve heard that haven’t been my own, moving a bustling grocery store like Trader Joe’s into the University Mall is one of the worst. The article for the Enterprise is wrong. It gets crowded in that parking lot. VERY crowded. The spaces are tight, the aisles are narrow, and the foot and bicycle traffic from the neighborhood is very dense.

In my mind, this is not the best place for Trader Joe’s to go.

So where, you ask, should my favorite place to by $2 bottles of wine be built?

There’s only one answer: The County Fair Mall.

They’ve got the space, the parking, and enough cheapskate-gourmets to turn that store into a mini-Food-4-Less. And, the mall has new signs (yuck), new paint (sort of), a new attitude (yawn), and an old Target (for now).

Sure, “Frenchy’s Liquors and Roses” would be pissed, but they would still have the hobo/immigrant/drunk/pervert client-base locked up so long as Trader Joe’s didn’t start selling lottery tickets and porn.

If they did, I’m certain that Trader Joe’s would feature some sort of in-house porn under the banner Trader Jack’s.

Last night, while having a conversation with a visiting friend, my wife misheard something our friend said to us.

“Breakfast tent?” she asked.

According to the Davis Enterprise, the residents of Davis are giving a warm reception to the brand new Dollar Tree discount store that opened on Eighth Street.

Personally, I don’t really care whether or not Davis opens a Dollar Tree or a Target or even a Costco right in Central Park.

However, having been a part of the staff that opened the Borders Bookstore in Davis 7-8 years ago, I still have vivid memories of protestors in face paint shouting at me from the lawn in front of the building. I remember asking them where they buy their food, rent their movies, get their gas, etc., trying to make the point that chains are everywhere and a bookstore chain hardly ranks on the long list of evil empires.

A Dollar Tree doesn’t rank high on that list either, IMO. And even though I live in Woodland and just work in Davis, I do have one thought on the opening of a store in Davis that was once reserved only for Woodland:

Bwa-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha!

I installed a corrugated metal cover over our patio this weekend, marking the first real physical activity I’ve had since 2005, when I ran down the hallway to pull a burning pizza out of the oven.

The work wasn’t too difficult, but the exertion of multiple parts of my body was intense, so much so that I quickly realized just how out-of-shape I am.

Now that I’m sitting at my desk, it feels like I’m resting my buttcheeks on two clawhammers. Who knew that my ass would take the brunt of my exertion? After all, of the many, many muscles in my body, I probably use my ass the most.

Between sitting, shitting and transmitting (it rhymed), my ass sees a fair amount of activity each day, so I’m not quite sure why it feels so sore right now. Perhaps the project affected my entire body, but my ass just decided to take it all on.

“Hey, back, I see you straining. Let me help you out. You too, arms, no need for you to be uncomfortable during the hours of mousing you have scheduled.”

If this is true, my caboose is owed a debt of thanks at the very least. That kind of selflessness is not always associated with an ass, you know.

So, dear gluteus, you have my thanks, my love, and my continued support. Keep up the good work and I’ll get you waxed for Christmas.